My Secret Life: A lifetime of Tinnitus.
Webster Definition: Tin-ni-tus: A sensation of noise (such as a ringing or roaring) that is typically caused by a bodily condition (such as disturbance of the auditory nerve or wax in the ear) and usually is of the subjective form which can only be heard by the one affected.
Dave's Definition: An overwhelming screech inside your head that NEVER stops and NEVER stops and NEVER stops, and it drives you crazy and keeps you up at night, and the next night, and keeps you up forever and makes you want to rip out your ears and it makes you cry.......
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In the Spring of 1978, I was in the middle of my 3rd year of College. At the time, I was working 3 different jobs and carrying a full schedule of classes. I can honestly say that College was not the best of times for me. Not because I was constantly working or studying, but because of something that unexpectedly happened late one night after returning from my late night job. It was a moment in time that I will never forget..... It was a moment that changed my life FOREVER!!
After a long night at work, I came back to my dorm room exhausted. It was Spring Break at school, so there was nobody around. Because of this, it was extremely quiet in the dorm and all around campus. As I was dozing off to sleep, my mind raced through the events of the day.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, this screeching noise appeared in my ears. But is was like nothing I'd ever heard before. I swear, it rose up from the inner depths of my mind...... like a screeching siren! I held my hands to my ears, but it just kept getting louder. The screeching wasn't just loud - it was deafening!!!
I sat up in bed and shook my head, but it only got louder. My hands began to sweat, my tongue went dry, my entire body became freezing cold. I began to shiver..... But it got louder and louder and louder!!! Oh my god, I must be having a stroke.... OH MY GOD!!!
I didn't know what to do. I got up and began walking the empty halls. But it just kept on, louder and louder it seemed. I thought my head was going to explode.... Please make it stop, PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP! I was now in full panic mode. My hands felt like ice and my face had gone pale white......
Not knowing what else to do, I put on my coat and walked down the steps of the dormitory and out into the cold night. I could hear my footsteps being drowned out by this screeching hell. I was shaking, and shivering...... I puked, then puked again. I walked up and down the streets for what seemed like hours. I was scared - no, I was terrified!!!
Somewhere in the night, I ended up in the emergency room at the hospital. After a full exam, the Doctor sat me down and told me several things - none of which I was expecting.
"You didn't have a stroke - you're ears look clean and healthy. You have extremely high anxiety which is no doubt being caused by your condition."
"And what is my condition?"
"This condition you have is called Tinnitus (ringing in the ears). Lots of people have it, some worse than others. Some people get it from loud bangs, like from guns. Some people get it from loud music. Some people get it from ear infections. Some people get it from loud noises at work. Some get it from old age hearing loss. Some get it for no reason at all. It is possible that it might quiet down in a few days, but given what you have told me about your history with loud noise, this condition will most likely never subside completely. You're going to have to learn to live with it. Lots of people do. Here's a referral to a counselor who can help you"
What!!! I'm 21 years old, and I'm going to have this "screech" in my head for the rest of my life!!!! I was in shock. I began to cry. I wanted to F##King die. I mean it. I wanted to die.... the sooner the better. I was already thinking of ways to kill myself. Does this counselor have a f##king gun?? There was no way that I could stand this for another minute, let alone THE REST OF MY LIFE!!
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The counselor said that it would go away. He said that sometimes he could put his ear to a patient with this problem and hear a hissing sound. He said that it was physical. He put his ear to mine and said "yes, I can hear it". I got up and left without saying another word to him because I knew that he was full of Sh#t... At this point, I felt doomed!!
But the counseling center called me later in the day and talked me into going back down there. I agreed, but I wanted a different counselor. This time, my counselor was a woman and I could tell right away that she wasn't going to fill me full of BS. After listening to my explanation of the problem, she sat quiet for a moment. Then, she began to explain some things to me that made sense.
"The noise in your ears is like a tall tree in the middle of a meadow. If you look at the meadow, all you can see and focus on is the tree. But if you surround the tree with other trees, you have a forest. At some point, although the tree is still there, you don't notice it amongst all the other trees. Believe it or not, your mind has the power to put things such as sounds or feelings, on the side and make them part of the background. When that happens, your mind can then focus on other things".
"That's where we need to get you. We need to get you into the forest...."
I'm not sure why, but I got it! And I immediately felt a little hope.
She gave me a prescription for Valium so I could get some sleep. She told me never to listen to loud music again. No more concerts. No more alcohol. Lots of exercise. And try listening to soft music or even static on the radio when going to bed....
We scheduled more sessions, but I never went back. I didn't need to. I can't remember her name, but I'm sure she saved my life that day. And fortunately, she didn't have a gun....
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I knew that I was about to begin the fight for my life, but I don't think I realized at the time how difficult this would be.
I took the Valium a few times. And despite the hellish screech inside my head, I slept for the first time in several days. And even after I woke up, I was so out of it that the screech didn't seem to bother me all that much.
I bought headphones. And in those days, there weren't I'pods, so I bought a small radio with a phone jack and put it by my bed.
I began to run 3 miles a day, and play basketball whenever possible.
I quit drinking. This was much more difficult than I had imagined since the culture at my school was to drink, drink, and then drink some more. I immediately noticed that many of my friends began to push me aside. Not invite me to parties. They quit letting me know when they were going uptown. They didn't include me in events they were planning. Girls weren't interested in me anymore (not that they really ever were before!) People would say things about me around the dorm and school. I was amazed at this, but had no choice. At first, I thought that I had become paranoid or something - but I knew that I wasn't. I just needed different friends! I was fighting for my life.....
It was at this point that I began to look at people differently than before. I used to always look for the good in people. But now, I had changed. I distrusted anyone I would meet. My list of friends had dwindled down to just a few. Maybe not good, but that's where I was.
So, my life had changed. But so had my ability to deal with the Tinnitus. As I found things that were successful, such as headphones with static to help me sleep, I got more confidence. After several years, I still had the screech living inside my head, but I was getting on with life despite that. I graduated from College, got a job, got married, screech and all...